REVIEW: Ted

Seth MacFarlane's directorial debut is about a teddy bear that comes alive to keep Wahlberg company. But is this just a piece of fluff? Or is it stuffed full of jokes?


Well, as much as I'd like to say this is an adult version of Pinnochio, Ted is actually so primitive in it's storytelling that it would be a disservice to say so. If you don't know what it's about then a brief summary is that Wahlberg wished upon a star that his bear would come alive, which it does. Instead of being a cute toy forever, he grows up with Wahlberg and they become friends for life, both as crude as the other. Mila Kunis does her bit as Mark's girlfriend and is very patient until she has enough and tells Mark he needs to get his act together.

That's about it. Can you predict what's going to happen? Yes. The B-Plot (if you can call it that) with some obsessive fans is shoved into the story to add some tension in what is ultimately a running gag piece about a dirty talking cuddly bear.

So is it funny? Meh. In some places, I proper cracked up - that was probably about 6 times in the whole (looooooong) film. The Flash Gordon stuff was quite funny, but again it keeps going and going and ultimately, Ted and Mark (or whoever his name is) are both complete selfish wankers. I know the whole point is that he has to grow up but I start to wonder at points if Wahlberg is actually supposed to be slightly retarded? Or have Asperger's or something? (I'm not connecting the two conditions).

Ted is a cross between Brian and Peter Griffin. In that he is exactly like Brian, but sounds like Peter Griffin (it's even referenced at one point) which makes you feel like you've kinda seen this all before one way or another. I'm so sick of Seth MacFarlane and I generally think he's a one trick pony that luckily has some great writers behind them that actually do the really funny stuff. Also, the bear drinks, smokes, has sex etc but - how is he actually doing this? I know I'm not supposed to take it seriously but when he's having sex, I don't really know what is supposed to be happening? Is he just you know .... scissoring?

Also I hate Mark Wahlberg and don't think he's that funny, or a good actor. I thought he was SHIT in The Departed and people who like him in that think that scowling and shouting makes you a macho man should watch a few Westerns. He was good in Boogie Nights and anything where he plays an idiot. Also remember he was a racist thug, who beat up an old Vietnamese man with a stick and blinded him, just for being from Vietnam, this might have happened when he was 16, but I say it's no excuse. Also, he did keep doing these things until past 21 and so I can't really say the guy deserves anything. He's bland, boring and not funny unless he's trying to be 'the nice guy' with some 'aww shucks' moments that you know are nothing like him.

The film is very long, with a few jokes taken away from it, but to be honest I'd rather have watched a few episodes of Family Guy.One scene including Norah Jones for example could have been cut completely and wasn't at all funny. It's definitely harmless fun that I know people will be joking about for time to come, and if you love MacFarlane than you will probably love this, but it's just one idea (and an idea that's already been done) - there's only so many jokes about swearing, dicks and sex you can listen to before thinking 'are these even jokes anymore?'. Definitely for teenage males.

Rating: 5/10

NEWS: Batman Prequel Will Have New Writer

Not that Batman ... The computer one


So the other cool Batman given to us by Rocksteady will be back in a prequel to both Arkham Asylum and Arkham City. It will apparently take place in the 'Silver Age' where he was kicking it with Superman and the Justice League of America (a shit Avengers). Apparently it's going to be the beginnings of how he meets Joker.

All sounds a bit ... dangerous. Will it still be dark? Find that balance between the cartoony comic world and the grittiness that people love about the Batman movies? Tough to say. What doesn't help is that Paul Dini, the writer from the first two games and also the much celebrated Animated Series will no longer be writing for the next game, it seems like he's been taken off. Is a shame, but something fresh isn't always necessarily a bad thing. What do you think?

REVIEW: The Debt

Just got round to watching this as it's on LoveFilm, it's a spy film from John Madden (whom I don't really rate) and a pretty average-at-best one at that.


So Helen Mirren plays a retired spy who is famous for having killed a Nazi death camp doctor who was on the run. Through a series of flashbacks we see what happened between her and the other two men in the group.

So far, so good. However, the spy stuff is quite lame and, not very good. Also the way they apprehend the doctor seems a bit weird and unnecessary. Surely there was an easier way?

Also, they don't look like they are from Israel either. Worthington is completely dire and you wonder how his character is supposed to turn into Ciaran Hinds, whom has the depth of the ocean compared to the paddling pool of Worthington. Chastain can just about hold together what is essentially a cardboard cut out. The whole script revolves around these little 'surprises' that aren't really a surprise.

Mirren looks tired, bored and even in any action sequences rather inept at being a spy. She's the main focus but I can't help but get annoyed that this was flogged as a spy action film when in fact it's a rather tedious character study of three boring characters.The only other person I enjoyed was Marton Csokas who I always feel deserves to be in more roles.

Overall, this Matthew Vaughan / Jane Goldman (Mrs. Jonathan Ross) script is exactly the kind of thing I hate and I completely don't rate them as scriptwriters or storytellers. It's like giving two teenagers a pen and paper and a guide on how to write scripts.

Yes that includes KickAss - which was okay.

If there's nothing on then why not? But don't go out of your way to see it. At all.

Rating: 6/10

TRAILER: Paranormal Activity 4

Please ... stop making them....


I liked the first one, hated the second, could deal with the third but this looks the most awful of them all. Using webcams and stuff, it's about the neighbours of the family at Paranormal Activity 2. Something to do with a kid. Who knows? In any case it will be shockingly bad, I can feel it, like a bad presence.

In my pants.

It's the same directors as number 3 (who also did Catfish) so you never know, they might do something with it.

But anyway, here's the trailer if you don't believe me:

NEWS: The Shining ... 2?

"Perfect for a child"


That's my favourite line by the way.

I don't know why, I just think because it jars so much, it's a bit creepy and it's Jack speaking it.

Anyway, if it wasn't enough to completely rape the memory of beloved films - Warner Bros are looking to do a (yawn) prequel to The Shining. Basically about that guy who chopped up his daughters. Wasn't the whole point of what made Shining scary that you DIDN'T know exactly what happened to him?

I wish these people would just go and fucking shoot themselves in the head. How can they even look at themselves in the mirror and say they are trying to further the film industry by defacating all over the shining lights of cinema.

Though if there's to be any salvation, Shutter Island writer Laeta Kalogridis is potentially onboard, so might save it from complete direness.

NEWS: Prometheus Sequel Announced

Ridley Scott has confirmed that he is pushing for a Prometheus sequel to arrive in 2014 or 2015


After having made over £250 million and not even being released on DVD and all that yet. However for those who hated the sci-fi 'prequel' to Alien, they might be pleased to hear that Damon Lindelof will not be involved.

Ridley Scott is apparently working on Blade Runner 2, let's hope that's a bit better.