REVIEW: Ted

Seth MacFarlane's directorial debut is about a teddy bear that comes alive to keep Wahlberg company. But is this just a piece of fluff? Or is it stuffed full of jokes?


Well, as much as I'd like to say this is an adult version of Pinnochio, Ted is actually so primitive in it's storytelling that it would be a disservice to say so. If you don't know what it's about then a brief summary is that Wahlberg wished upon a star that his bear would come alive, which it does. Instead of being a cute toy forever, he grows up with Wahlberg and they become friends for life, both as crude as the other. Mila Kunis does her bit as Mark's girlfriend and is very patient until she has enough and tells Mark he needs to get his act together.

That's about it. Can you predict what's going to happen? Yes. The B-Plot (if you can call it that) with some obsessive fans is shoved into the story to add some tension in what is ultimately a running gag piece about a dirty talking cuddly bear.

So is it funny? Meh. In some places, I proper cracked up - that was probably about 6 times in the whole (looooooong) film. The Flash Gordon stuff was quite funny, but again it keeps going and going and ultimately, Ted and Mark (or whoever his name is) are both complete selfish wankers. I know the whole point is that he has to grow up but I start to wonder at points if Wahlberg is actually supposed to be slightly retarded? Or have Asperger's or something? (I'm not connecting the two conditions).

Ted is a cross between Brian and Peter Griffin. In that he is exactly like Brian, but sounds like Peter Griffin (it's even referenced at one point) which makes you feel like you've kinda seen this all before one way or another. I'm so sick of Seth MacFarlane and I generally think he's a one trick pony that luckily has some great writers behind them that actually do the really funny stuff. Also, the bear drinks, smokes, has sex etc but - how is he actually doing this? I know I'm not supposed to take it seriously but when he's having sex, I don't really know what is supposed to be happening? Is he just you know .... scissoring?

Also I hate Mark Wahlberg and don't think he's that funny, or a good actor. I thought he was SHIT in The Departed and people who like him in that think that scowling and shouting makes you a macho man should watch a few Westerns. He was good in Boogie Nights and anything where he plays an idiot. Also remember he was a racist thug, who beat up an old Vietnamese man with a stick and blinded him, just for being from Vietnam, this might have happened when he was 16, but I say it's no excuse. Also, he did keep doing these things until past 21 and so I can't really say the guy deserves anything. He's bland, boring and not funny unless he's trying to be 'the nice guy' with some 'aww shucks' moments that you know are nothing like him.

The film is very long, with a few jokes taken away from it, but to be honest I'd rather have watched a few episodes of Family Guy.One scene including Norah Jones for example could have been cut completely and wasn't at all funny. It's definitely harmless fun that I know people will be joking about for time to come, and if you love MacFarlane than you will probably love this, but it's just one idea (and an idea that's already been done) - there's only so many jokes about swearing, dicks and sex you can listen to before thinking 'are these even jokes anymore?'. Definitely for teenage males.

Rating: 5/10